To Change Your Relationships, Be the Change
By Tania Kotsos
Article continued from: Everyone is Your Mirror - The Greatest Relationship Secret
To change your relationships you must understand that your relationships mirror you, your beliefs and your actions back to yourself. This is the key to transformation. We all have our so-called buttons which, when pushed, cause us to act or think in negative ways beyond our normal day-to-day selves. Get to know your buttons. Instead of becoming frustrated, know that your buttons are the keys to your growth. Instead of asking for them not to be pushed, examine the belief behind the trigger and resolve to change it. See your buttons as the red-alert alarms that bring to your attention those parts of your consciousness that are begging to be changed.
Self-Love as the Foundation: The truth that your relationships mirror your inner world re-enforces the greatest relationship advice you can ever receive, that of loving yourself. In a relationship in which your partner treats you with love and support, you will find that the basis for his or her love is the love you have towards yourself and so towards others. When you trust yourself and hence others, you will attract a trustworthy partner. When you believe in yourself and hence in others, you will attract a partner that believes in you. When you are kind to yourself and hence to others, you will attract a partner that is kind to you. When you love yourself and hence others, you will attract a loving partner and so on. Ultimately, a balanced and healthy love for oneself is the foundation of all successful relationships for it is truly the greatest love of all.
There is No Need to Blame Yourself: To change your relationship by recognising yourself in others, is not about blaming yourself or playing the victim. Instead, knowing that your relationships mirror you is about taking your own power back to create your reality and the relationships of your choice. It is about getting to know yourself and gaining new personal insights you never thought possible. In other words, it is about putting the ball back in your court to transform your relationships into the magic they are meant to be. It is your chance to grow. Do not fall into the trap of blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. Rather, be grateful for the knowledge that you can change anything in your life without having to change anyone else; just yourself.
The Law of Gender: That our relationships mirror our inner world is underpinned by the Law of Gender. According to this Universal Law, everything and everyone contains both masculine and feminine elements. Know that despite your physical attributes, you are not your body. You have within yourself a feminine and a masculine you. The you that is beyond your body is both male and female. These two Principles within you have an ongoing relationship based on your beliefs. When you create a loving relationship between your masculine and your feminine selves it will be reflected back to you in your relationships with others in the physical world. This is what is meant by the advice to be the love you want to experience. When you stop searching for "the one", you will find that the one you have been looking for all along is yourself. You are the one.
Be the Change You Want to See: To change your relationships, you must change. Not others. This exercise is aimed at enabling you to see your relationships as a mirror. Make a list of all those things that you dislike in your partner and in your relationship. All those things you wish were different whether it be your partner's specific actions or qualities or things that are "wrong" with your relationship. Put your ego aside and do an honest audit of that list. Next to each unwanted action find examples of how you also act in that way, whether toward your partner, someone else or towards yourself. Next to all those unwanted qualities, write down examples of when you also display that quality, whether it is in your family environment, at your work, with your friends or with yourself. Next to all those things that are "wrong" with the relationship, write down your underlying belief about yourself, relationships or life that is being reflected by the specific unwanted part of your relationship.
In order to change your relationships, you must learn to see your relationships mirroring you. Be honest with yourself. There is no need to show your results to anyone else. This exercise is meant for you to learn about you. When you have completed your list and matched it up with your actions, qualities and beliefs, you are ready for change. Using meditation, creative visualization and repetitive affirmations you can shift your beliefs and habitual thoughts such that they empower rather than disempower your relationships. Once you see that the actions for which you criticise your partner are also your own, then resolve to change those negative actions on your part. Ultimately, learning to see all your relationships as a mirror enables you to transform and create relationships based on love rather than on fear and need.
What Will Happen Once You Change? Once you change so will your relationships mirror that change. You will find that as you begin to shift those habitual thoughts, beliefs and actions that your relationships will begin to transform before your very eyes. If you commit yourself to changing with persistence, you will find that the results you want to see are very quick to come. Your partner will become more loving and all those negative qualities which you once disliked will, as if by magic, start to disappear. This is the only way you can change your relationships short of pleading, bargaining or manipulating your partner, all of which have very short lived results and only serve to exacerbate the unwanted elements of your relationship.
Alternatively, you may also find that the role of your current partner finishes in your life causing him or her to leave effortlessly and amicably with relatively little or even no pain, thus making room for you to attract a new relationship into your life that mirrors your new-found beliefs, qualities and actions. The great spin-off is that you will see miraculous transformation not only in your relationship with your significant other but in all your relationships. You may even find that you no longer see your "enemies" as enemies but rather as your greatest teachers.
Self-Transformation is Real Magic: To see the behaviour of others transform in direct response to your transformation will astound you. This is real magic as at no time do you have to attempt to influence your partner to change, whether mentally, verbally or physically. This is what it really means to change your relationships. In fact, any attempt at changing someone else without first changing yourself will at best yield temporary results because the image being reflected back to you will not have changed. Remember, your relationships mirror you not your partner.
The Two-Fold Path to Change Your Relationships: There are only ever two paths to true change in life. The first path is pain, which is the most common. Many people have seen their relationships and lives change through much pain. As their experiences become more and more painful, to the point that they can no longer bear the suffering that is brought on by their own beliefs, they are forced to shift. The second path is knowledge. It is the path less travelled. When you learn a new truth and apply it in your life, you will effortlessly enjoy the changes you would otherwise only come to know through pain. The application of knowledge is the key that unlocks its power. Resolve to make knowledge the path you walk down on the road to changing your relationships into the loving experience it is meant to be.
"Endeavour to learn the lesson before you change the teacher."
In a nutshell, to change your relationship you must learn to see all your relationships as your mirror, reflecting parts of your Consciousness back to you. When you learn to recognise all those qualities that you both like and dislike in your partner as your own, you will have learnt the great secret that the only path to change is through yourself. You will no longer have to hope or wish that your partner changes or be frustrated with his or her actions or constantly feel that you are compromising yourself to keep a relationship alive. Once you change yourself and your beliefs, you will find your relationships transforming in ways you never dreamt possible. Ultimately, when you find true love within yourself you will create and attract it effortlessly in your outer world.